A Whale trying to be a Dolphin

As a fan who appreciates the more witty banter and insults I’ve heard from the Celtic faithful over the years, I thought it might be interesting to record for posterity some of the funnier lines I’ve heard at Celtic games. Apologies for the industrial language at times but it did add spice to the points made at the time.

Usually we rip into the opposition as Henry Smith, former Hearts goalkeeper found out when, after an error, a wag shouted that he had ‘Seen better hands on a fuckin leper!’ Or Rangers keeper, Peter ‘The Girvan Lighthouse’ McLoy who was known by Celtic fans as ‘The Girvan Shite-house.’

On other occasions we can be a little searing to our own. I recall a voice from the old Jungle shouting out in the early 80s, ‘Come on McGarvey, give us a bit of magic!’ To which the instant riposte was delivered by an equally loud but more critical voice further back, ‘Aye, fuckin disappear!’

I once watched John Hartson leave the Centre forward berth and charge up the wing, before slipping and falling on his ample ass. The ball was lost and a wag noted, ‘That’s a whale trying to be a dolphin!’  ‘I know’ added his pal, ‘He’s the only player I’ve ever seen who can trap a ball with his cleavage!’

When Eyal Berkovik joined Celtic we expected a tough Israeli battler but when he jumped out of a tackle in his first game a fan commented, ‘I think we’ve signed the only shite bag in Israel!’

A badge I spotted on a Celtic fans scarf proclaimed that ‘Artur Boruc has held more balls than Jordan.’

As Celtic played Forfar in a Cup tie in the early 90s and we shared some banter with the locals at the rather dilapidated Station Park. ‘That’s the centenary Stand’ a local said pointing to the wee main stand. ‘What, it was built 100 years ago you mean?’ came the reply.

Two Hoops fans were discussing the attractive female Chelsea physio…’Did ye see her on match of the day?, I’d play doors wi her aw right.’  His bemused pal responded. ‘What does that mean?’ he was informed, ‘She’d be a door and I’d slam her all night!’

Linesmen at the old Jungle would have torrid abuse hurled at them as well as the occasional beer can in the old days. I recall a stout man beside me giving a linesman pelters for about 89 minutes. Every offside decision was met with shouts like ‘I can see that masonic ring ya wee bastard,’ or ‘I’ll shove that flag so far up your arse you’ll be fartin oot off side decisions for the rest of yer miserable fuckin life!’ After virtually a whole game of such abuse the linesman raised his flag for yet another offside decision. The big man bellowed out, ‘LINESMAN!’ as the poor man’s shoulders sagged waiting for another cutting insult he was surprised to hear, ‘Ye got wan right for a change ya prick!’

Referees got regular abuse too. Hugh Dallas was being discussed at half time in the stands one day after a dodgy first half performance. ‘He’s a dirty, smelly, ugly, corrupt, cheating Bastard,’ one fan commented. At which a friend cut in, ‘And that’s just his good points!’

As Tony Mowbray struggled to change Celtic’s fortunes, a fan commented, ‘We used to me miserable and unhappy but Tony has turned that all around…now we’re unhappy and miserable!’

I recall the laconic Garry Gillespie, injury prone Celtic defender of the 90s being called ‘The Tampon’ by fans (In for a week then out for three) His relaxed style caused one fan to comment, ‘Any less activity and he’ll be in fuckin coma!’

Tony Cascarino, who scored goals for every club he played for apart from Celtic. After a bad miss as in one match, a fan commented that he was…’A feckin Lourdes Case!’  When he finally did score against Hearts after 12 games, Celtic Park exploded but sadly just a minute later he punched Craig Levein at a corner, got sent off and gave away a penalty.

I’m sure all of you Hoops fans out there will be able to add your own memories of insults and put downs you’ve heard over the years. Celtic fans can be very funny and witty when dishing out stick and it is, after all part of the fun of attending football. I hope this short list made you smile and I’m sure you could add to it.

Tirnaog