Roaster
I had one of those strange conversations
which occur from time to time this week. I was sitting on a crowded
bus minding my own business when noisy man got on. Noisy man was one of those
people who talked at twice the volume required for the context and seemed to
want the whole bus to hear every thought passing through his head. Dressed in
an ill-fitting tracksuit and dirty white trainers, he glanced around the bus.
He looked more annoying than dangerous and confirmed this by saying in a loud
voice to no one in particular, ‘Aw day
ticket over four quid? Think we’re aw millionaires?’ He then scanned the
lower deck looking for a seat. The woman across from me slipped her handbag
onto the empty space beside her with practiced ease and without even looking up
from her Metro. Alas, noisy man wandered up the aisle and plonked himself beside
me. ‘Some weather eh? Aw four seasons in wan
day!’ he said to me his breath hinting that a fair amount of tonic wine had been imbibed
recently. I tried to keep the conversation at a minimum but he was up for a gab
and had that annoying habit of poking you with his elbow when making a point. ‘Here, that Nicola Sturgeon’s a nippy
sweetie eh?’ he said, bumping me again, ‘Widnae like tae go hame tae her wi the wages opened.’ He then proceeded
to laugh as if he was the funniest man on earth. Of course the rest of the bus
smirked away as they could enjoy the show whilst yours truly had to interact
with noisy man and they didn’t.
He then started talking about football and at
this most of the men on the bus tuned in to hear if his opinions were as off
the wall as he sounded. ‘Ye like fitbaw
big man? That wiz a liberty what happened tae Rangers eh? Aw they Karflicks laughing like fuck when we wur
relegated.’ Like a fool I took the bait and replied, ‘They weren’t relegated they were liquidated and the new club started
where all new clubs should; in the bottom league.’ Half the bus smiled a little at this and
half had troubled looks on their faces. ‘Wit?’
replied noisy man, ‘You saying Rangers
died?’ I was in too deep to back out and replied, ‘The facts don’t lie Buddy.’ The look on his unshaven face changed
and he uttered one of those quintessentially Glaswegian sentences, ‘Well fuck me wi the jaggy end o’ a
pineapple, we’ve got a real roaster here.’ As I mulled over being called a ‘roaster’ there was an audible snigger from
a few on the bus as he continued his diatribe. ’Bet yer a karflick?’ he went on as if that was somehow pertinent
to the debate. My silence seemed to antagonise him a little and he muttered, ‘A club canny die!’ as if it
were an unwritten truth. ‘Third Lanark
died.’ I replied. He was silent for a moment as if confused by my logic, ‘Aye but Rangers wur bought by new guys and
the SFA said they wur the same club.’ I was not inclined to go into the
convoluted machinations of the SFA as they bent over backwards for the newco so
I said simply, ‘If you want to believe
that then that’s fine but I don’t.’ Noisy man then looked around the crowded
bus, ‘Anybody getting aff coz I canny sit
beside this roaster any mer?’ There was more quiet laughter as he looked at
me, ‘Nae offence big man but yer aff yer
rocker.’ He got up with the air of one who has been insulted and sauntered down the aisle before taking a sharp right
turn and heading upstairs. At that point the bus hit a bump in the road and he
half fell back into the lower section again much to the amusement of a few of
the passengers. As he headed upstairs again I looked out the window happy to
have peace restored.
The bus reached the city centre and I got
off. As I prepared to continue on foot I heard a banging sound and looking up
saw noisy man thumping the upstairs window. I smiled as he shouted out at me, ‘Roaster, yer a fuckin roaster!’ The bus
pulled off and I watched him disappear into his alternative reality.
It’s some town old Glasgow.